


Satisfaction Brought It Back

by IntrepidEscapist



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Humor, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Non-Explicit Sex, Other, hxhbb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 12:03:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11035815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IntrepidEscapist/pseuds/IntrepidEscapist
Summary: Phinks is out of town and he leaves his precious baby sphinx cat in the troupe’s care, but Hisoka is not a fan of the naked hairless abomination. He can’t let the troupe know the little kitten is the most terrifying thing he’s ever seen in his life.





	Satisfaction Brought It Back

Hisoka was a bloodthirsty killer with little regard for life unless it amused him, and even then he changed his mind with no rhyme or reason, fickle as the wind. Most people that met the magician wound up worse for wear, and most people gave him a wide berth anyway as his aura was almost malignant. Needless to say he was proud of his strength, his reputation, and anything that made him seem like a general menace to humanity.   
   
Obviously it was very important that others felt an appropriate amount of both terror and awe when they looked at him, although he didn’t mind sexual attraction as well. He was incredibly handsome after all.  
   
For the most part his presence in the Phantom Troupe was met with the appropriate amount of disdain and respect for his power, and Hisoka was happy to go along with any assumptions that they made, with the exception of Machi because she still hadn’t agreed to go to dinner with him yet. Oh well, at least Chrollo appreciated him. He had that if nothing else.  
   
For now the troupe was hanging out in a resort. A small private residence that went awash in a bloodbath before it was suited for the troupe’s presence. Hisoka had a good time cutting down the attendants and maids at Chrollo’s “orders”; any bloodbath was good for him.  Unfortunately the whole troupe hadn’t made it to the resort yet, so the few that had come for the initial takeover had to wait for the rest of them to arrive.   
   
Phinks was part of the group that hadn’t yet arrived, Bonolenov and Shalnark being the other two. Since they cleared the entire building and it was a resort after all, Chrollo suggested that they all relax and enjoy themselves until the rest of the troupe arrived.  
   
“We deserve something nice,” Chrollo said with a smile as he nudged the corpse of the receptionist with his shoe.  
   
Hisoka was about to go and christen the jacuzzi, much to the very vocal displeasure of the rest of the troupe, (“Nobody wants to see your sling mankini, Hisoka!”), but darling Chrollo pulled him off to the side, shooing the rest of the troupe away. The magician smiled and sidled up to Chrollo. If he wanted to do it on the receptionist’s counter he wasn’t going to say no. Hisoka was all for giving into one’s most primal desires, which anyone could see by looking at his outfits.  
   
“Hisoka, I have a favor to ask you,” Chrollo said, all doe eyes and long lashes. Hisoka immediately moved closer, trapping the other man between the counter and his hips.   
   
“I love doing you favors,” Hisoka said with a roll of his hips.  
   
“Not that kind of favor,” Chrollo said, still all pleasant smiles. “Phinks will be here last because he’s running an errand, but he left something in our care. I need you to take care of it.”  
   
Hisoka needed Chrollo to take care of his burgeoning erection, but he would be nice. You caught more flies with honey than with vinegar after all.  
   
“Oh? What is it?” Hisoka asked.  
   
“His cat.”  
   
To be honest that wasn’t what Hisoka was expecting. Phinks was such an uncultured brute that he expected an equally vapid dog to go with him, maybe a pitbull or a yappy chihuahua. Still, he much preferred taking care of a cat than a dog.  
   
“I love cats,” Hisoka said, which was actually true. He was fond of the elegant, mysterious, and  often yellow-eyed creatures for completely modest reasons. He wasn’t projecting.  
   
Chrollo clapped his hands together, still trapped between a rock (the counter) and a hard place (Hisoka’s boner). “Excellent! Here, let’s go to my room.”  
   
Hisoka was always happy to go to Chrollo’s room, so it took no effort to get the magician to follow like an obedient pet. Whipped? No, Hisoka wasn’t whipped. Would someone who was whipped answer to their boy toy’s every whim?  
   
Chrollo still had to weasel out from the spot Hisoka pinned him in and Hisoka wasn’t known for being cooperative, so he let him struggle for a bit before finally breaking free. Everyone had commandeered suites for their personal use, Chrollo getting the largest room, the lover’s suite. He hadn’t personally invited Hisoka there yet, but based on what the room was called, Hisoka took it as an invitation anyway. They’d have to christen the bed sheets at some point.  
   
The suit was tacky in a way Hisoka loved, all bright pink with a heart shaped bed. He was certain if he flicked the light switch on mood music would play. He was hoping for some Marvin Gaye, honestly.   
   
“So where’s the cat?” Hisoka asked.  
   
He was hoping for a persian. Something about their smooshed up faces was oddly endearing.   
   
“Oh he’s around,” Chrollo said. “He’s such a sweet cat.”  
   
Hisoka watched as Chrollo looked around for the sweet thing, making little clicks with his tongue to try and draw the cat out. It was nice seeing Chrollo bend over like that. If only he ditched that coat so Hisoka could have a room with a view.  
   
“Ah! There he is,” Chrollo was on his knees, one of Hisoka’s favorite positions, and peering under the bed. He reached underneath it and finally stood back up when he managed to get the cat out. What Hisoka saw made the hair on the back of his neck stand up.  
   
“What the fuck is _that_ ,” Hisoka’s normally even lilting tone dropped an octave in his shock and disgust.  
   
Chrollo frowned. “This is princess, isn’t he sweet?”  
   
The _thing_ in Chrollo’s arms was certainly not a cat. It’s face was wrinkled and pink, it’s horrid bat like ears seemed too big for it’s strange head. Black, soulless eyes peered up at Hisoka while it’s gray, rat-like tail thrashed. Hisoka supposed dressing it in a bright pink tracksuit was an attempt at making it look less viscerally repugnant.  
   
“Did he get that from the Dark Continent?”  
   
The creature decided to yawn, showing its sharp, white teeth, and Hisoka felt a little faint.  
   
“You’ve never seen a sphynx cat before?” Chrollo asked. He stroked the “cat’s” head, pulling the forehead wrinkles back and making it’s eyes look particularly bulbous and ugly. “I think they’re charming. It’s an expensive breed.”  
   
“That’s a gremlin,” Hisoka said. “If you feed it after midnight it’ll kill you.”  
   
“Don’t be rude. Now he’s going to need a bath tomorrow, so I’ll leave you the bag of cat supplies and the instructions Phinks left.  He’s getting something for Princess and he’ll be here in a few days.”  
   
Chrollo walked over to hand Hisoka the cat, but the magician pulled his hands away the second it got close so it plummeted to the floor.  
   
“Hisoka!”  
   
“I’m not touching that. That isn’t a cat. Cat’s are soft and cute and furry. That looks like the goblin from that movie with the hobbits and the ring you made me watch.” Hisoka flinched when he felt the beast rub against his leg, its body vibrating as it purred. “Oh my god, what’s wrong with it’s legs?”  
   
Chrollo picked the cat back up and shoved it into Hisoka’s arms. It’s feet rubbed against Hisoka and it nuzzled it’s gross head on Hisoka’s arms. It’s skin was oddly warm and smooth, and it felt so unnatural against Hisoka’s arm. He was going to gag.  
   
“Well, it’s a bambino,” Chrollo said. “Which is a sphynx cat crossed with a munchkin, so it’s hairless like the sphinx and has cute short legs like the munchkin. Phinks paid a lot of money for that cat, so I’d treat Princess nicely.”  
   
“And if I don’t?”  
   
Chrollo tapped his chin with a slender finger. “I believe the phrasing Phinks used was, ‘If anything happens to Princess, I’ll wind my arm up and fist Hisoka to death.’”  
   
“I doubt he'd use lube either. Wait, why me, specifically?” Hisoka asked.   
   
Chrollo smiled that smile that meant he threw someone under the bus. Hisoka could feel the tires on his back.   
   
“I told Phinks you would watch the cat, so if something happens to Princess he'll kill you.”  
“Oh, how kind of you,” Hisoka said.   
   
"If you do well I'll have incentive to give you a reward.”  
   
Chrollo said reward and Hisoka heard “blowjob”, which was a pretty good incentive. Of course he'd try and get more than just that, Hisoka was greedy after all.   
   
Princess meowed and his body vibrated as he purred, nuzzling against Hisoka’s bicep. The skin on skin contact made his face pale, an impressive feat considering his chalky complexion.  
   
“Look,” Chrollo said, “He likes you.”  
   
That made one of them.  
   
***  
   
Hisoka wasn’t afraid of the cat, that was preposterous.  
   
He just didn’t like it, the creature looked like a sentient testicle. Hisoka was just going to leave the cat in Chrollo’s room and come back every couple of hours to make sure it was still breathing, but the little demon slipped out when he was trying to shut it in.  
   
Putting the cat back in the room would require touching it, so Hisoka guessed Princess would be outside today.  
   
He didn’t need this stress. He was at a resort. Maybe he’d go to the spa and find some nail polish, or sit in the mud baths. Stress wasn’t good for his skin. The cat yowled again and it sent a shiver down Hisoka’s spine. Why was the creature so loud?  
   
“Shoo,” Hisoka muttered, nudging the cat with his foot. “Go be ugly elsewhere.”  
   
The cat was clearly Phinks’ because it proved to stupid enough not to understand basic commands. Instead of getting the hell away from Hisoka, Princess started purring and nudged his head against Hisoka’s ankle. The magician frowned and pushed the animal away with his foot again, but much to his horror Princess decided to start climbing up Hisoka’s pants leg with it’s stumpy, fleshy feet.  
   
Hisoka did not squeal. He never squealed, and no was around was prove that he did, so it didn’t happen. He did try and shake the beast off, and he might’ve been muttering “Oh god, get off, get off, get off,” while he hopped on one foot. Princess meowed again and Hisoka could feel it’s wrinkly, disgusting body vibrating from its purring.   
   
“Hisoka, what are you doing?”  
   
Machi had come down the hall, her sharp eyes locked on him. Hisoka had no idea how long she’d been standing there but he was going to play it off. No way was anyone going to find out he was afraid of this cat.  
   
Well he wasn’t afraid. He was too strong and powerful to be afraid of such a tiny thing. No, no, he was just...unsettled. No cat should look like Princess. Lesser demons and the monsters that hid under children’s beds looked like Princess.  
   
“Ah, Machi,” he stopped hopping, but still tried batting the cat that was steadily climbing him off, careful to swat at the tracksuit and not it’s weird, disturbingly human skin. “I’m cat sitting.”  
   
For the first time in Hisoka’s memory, Machi’s face brightened.  
   
“Is that Princess?” she asked.  
   
“How do you know this...cat?”  
   
Machi walked over and plucked the cat off his pants and cradled him in her arms. “I cat sat for Phinks once.”  
   
Instead of happy purring, Princess hissed and squirmed out of her arms, jumping to the floor. Machi sighed and put her hands on her hips, looking at the little devil with a cute pout.  
   
“He doesn’t like me though. Doesn’t like anyone except the boss. A shame, he’s so cute.” She shrugged. “Good luck.”  
   
“Why don’t you help me out, Machi?” Hisoka asked. A little horrible gremlin wasn’t enough to keep him from asking her out.  
   
She was already walking down the hall by the time he finished his sentence. “You can go on a date with Princess,” she said.  
   
Hisoka frowned. Princess meowed and nudged his head against his ankle. Not only was Princess a sin against nature, he cockblocked him.  
   
Great.  
   
***  
Since Hisoka went out of his way not to touch Princess, he didn’t notice a very prominent feature about him until it was too late.  
   
According to Machi, Princess didn’t like anyone but the boss, but apparently Hisoka was the exception to the rule. Normally he was fine when cute boys took a liking to him, but Princess was the opposite of cute. Princess looked like a month old raisen someone pulled out from behind the couch, and Hisoka had to deal with that raisen following him around and meowing every three seconds to try and get his attention.  
   
He was equal parts repulsed and terrified, not that anyone could ever find that out. What would they think if he, a ruthless killer, felt like he was about to cry every time he made eye contact with a cat in a pink tracksuit named Princess.  
   
Hisoka sat on a couch in the lounge area of the resort, surrounded by large leafy plants and clear windows. No amount of tasteful decor could prepare him for Princess jumping up on the back of the couch and sitting on his head. It wasn’t enough that Hisoka could feel those gross, wrinkled paws on his forehead. Princess purred as he sat on Hisoka’s head, thin tail swishing in his face, but an unfamiliar warmth and light pressure against his forehead gave him pause.   
   
Princess, despite the name was a boy cat. Ten seconds after remembering this fact, Hisoka realized that he had cat balls on his face.  
   
This was not typically the way he enjoyed having balls on his face.  
   
Despite the fact that Hisoka had an image to maintain -bloodthirsty menace to society at large- he screamed.  
   
It was very shrill.  
   
The sudden yell startled Princess enough to make him jump off Hisoka’s head, but the damage was already done. The feeling of soft, oddly human feeling cat balls on his forehead was a memory he would have to live with until he died. Ritual suicide suddenly made sense to him now.  
   
“What was that?”  
   
Hisoka whipped around to see Franklin wearing a Hawaiian shirt and bermuda shirts, a bright pink margarita held between two of his massive fingers.  Hisoka wasn’t sure what was worse, letting Franklin know he was terrified of the cat, or telling Franklin he screamed because Princess put his disgusting cat balls on his face.  
   
“Just a straggler,” Hisoka said. “You missed a worker.”  
   
He sucked his teeth just to emphasize how disappointed he was.  
   
Franklin looked around. “Where’s the body?”  
   
“A magician never reveals their secrets,” Hisoka said with a wry smile.  
   
Franklin rolled his eyes and sipped his drink. “I’m gonna go get a pedicure.”  
   
Hisoka watched the other man’s back until he left, then glared at Princess, who was busily licking a weird, webbed paw.  
   
“You disgust me,” Hisoka said, leaning in to look in its horrible face. “You’re a blight on my life and this world.”  
   
Princess purred and leaned forward to bunt his head against Hisoka’s. The cat was doing a better job of maintaining the reputation Hisoka wanted for himself. He’d try and kill it if Phinks wasn’t going to put his fist through his ass and out his mouth.  
   
***  
   
Whenever Hisoka was stressed he went to go take a shower. The hot water running over his muscles put him at ease and cleared his head. He couldn’t find Chrollo for the life of him, which meant he couldn’t pass Princess off to him and shirk his responsibilities.  Phinks had a very detailed set of laminated instructions on the care and keeping of his small demon from the ninth circle of hell. Hisoka fed the cat, read it a bedtime story, and gave it the stuffed rabbit Phinks insisted it slept in. Princess had a different tracksuit for every day of the week.  
   
 _Every goddamn day._  
   
The sooner Phinks got back the better.  
   
For now Hisoka would settle with using the fruit resort shampoo to cleanse his sorrows away. He was irritated Chrollo had seemingly disappeared. Not only did that leave him as Princess’ only source of attention, he couldn’t even try seducing the boss. He wanted that reward for watching Princess early. The only thing that could make him feel better now was some tender love and care, preferably in the form of friction on his dick.  
   
Hisoka sighed and moved to rinse the shampoo from his hair. Waiting at a resort was supposed to be fun. What was Phinks even doing that he needed him to watch his cat? Couldn’t he leave Princess at some animal hotel or something?  
   
The shower curtain rustled a bit, but it went unnoticed as Hisoka had his head under the shower spray.  
   
He unscrewed the lid on the bottle of conditioner to smell it. Orchid and coconut. Not what he usually used, but it smelled good enough.   
   
Warm, wet skin brushing against his leg made Hisoka squeeze the bottle unintentionally, the conditioner squirting into his eyes. The instant burn made him yelp, and the slick rubbing against his legs made him stumble and fall. Bath products rained down on him, his tailbone cracked against the shower floor, and his eyes burned from orchid and coconut. The sweet fruitiness of the conditioner betrayed him.  
   
A yowl let Hisoka know that Princess was the one rubbing up against his legs. He scrambled to get the conditioner out of his eyes so he could avoid the sentient testicle that invaded his bathroom. Instead of avoiding the sentient testicle, Princess stepped on his.  
   
It was the scream heard through the entire resort.  
   
As Hisoka’s entire life flashed before his eyes, he saw the list that Phinks wrote up about his cat. It mentioned that Princess liked to shower with him, so that was the preferred method of cleaning him.  
   
Hisoka was wet, naked, and teary eyed as he ran out of the bathroom to grab his phone, hands shaking as he searched for Phinks’ number and tried not to imagine how many puncture wounds were in his ballsack.  
   
 _“Hello?”_  
   
“Phinks,” it sounded like Hisoka was on the verge of tears because he was, “when are you meeting up with us?”  
   
 _“Hisoka? How did you get my number? Don’t ever fucking call me again!”_  
   
“Phinks? Hello?”  
   
The dial tone responded and Hisoka wanted to die.  
   
“Mrrow.”  
   
Princess trotted up to him, dripping with water and even more horrifying to look at without any clothes on. Every single roll and wrinkle of his weird, hairless body was on display, and combined with huge black eyes and wide ears, the cat literally looked like it crawled out of a cave in Hisoka’s nightmares.  
   
“Why are you like this?” Hisoka asked Princess.  
   
Princess chirped and walked up to Hisoka, rubbing the length of his body across his legs. This was one of the reasons why he didn’t believe in a merciful god.  
   
Hisoka’s eyes were still red and puffy from the conditioner the next morning. No member of the troupe he ran into mentioned it, but when he passed by Feitan the shorter man mimed crying at him mockingly.  
   
Was this a punishment for something he did? He’d never done anything wrong in his entire life, he didn’t deserve it.  
   
***  
   
Chrollo finally reappeared after two days of actual hell on earth for Hisoka. The second Hisoka caught sight of the boss, he backed him against a wall, leaning one arm over his head and peering down at him.  
   
“Yes, Hisoka?” Chrollo said innocently.  
   
“I want my reward for watching the beast.”  
   
Chrollo tilted his head to the side and looked up at the ceiling. “Phinks isn’t back yet, is he?”  
   
Hisoka narrowed his yellow eyes and moved his face closer to Chrollo’s, their noses almost touching.  
   
“I’m feeling impatient,” he said. “I need more convincing to keep doing it.”  
   
“More incentive than the threat of Phinks fisting you to death?”  
   
Honestly, at this point that option would be preferable over seeing that fucking cat one more time. Hisoka left Princess in his room and locked them in with a litter box and the specific brand of wet food that Phinks left for him. He needed to burn off some steam. There wasn’t anyone left to kill, and fucking was the next best thing in his book.  
   
“Don’t tell me you haven’t thought of putting that suite of yours to good use,” Hisoka purred.  
   
He leaned down to mouth at Chrollo’s neck, and the little gasp he let out was a sign Hisoka was going to get his way. He could recognize that particular sound anywhere.  
   
The trip to Chrollo’s suite was quick and sweaty. The fur trimmed coat was the first article of clothing to hit the ground, followed by Hisoka’s shirt. In a matter of minutes they were on the bed and Chrollo was doing that thing to Hisoka’s nipples that made his eyes roll back into his head.  The magician was already indulgent, a hedonist really, but he was definitely in the mood to lie down and have his chest sucked on. He deserved one moment of peace after all the hell he went through.  
   
“Mmm, _Chrollo_ ,” Hisoka groaned. He rolled his hips up against Chrollo’s, letting the pleasure wash over him and wipe everything else from his mind.  
   
“Mrrowwl.”  
   
Hisoka’s eyes snapped open and a chill ran down his spine.  
   
 _No._  
   
“Oh, Princess,” Chrollo turned away from Hisoka, depriving him of that sweet pleasure, and letting his body run cold. “How did you get in here, sweetie?”  
   
That what Hisoka wanted to know, how did that beast get out of his room?  Much to Hisoka’s horror, the over dried raisin jumped up on the bed and stole Chrollo’s attention. Chrollo cooed and stroked the cat and Hisoka’s erection wilted.  
   
“Chrollo, we were doing something,” Hisoka sat up and glared at the cat. “You were doing some _one_.”  
   
“Look at you,” Chrollo scratched the cat under the chin. “Aren’t you the sweetest?”  
   
Hisoka pouted and wrapped his hand in the bedsheet before pushing Princess off the bed. He hit the floor with a thump and a yowl, and Chrollo looked at him admonishingly.  
   
“Hisoka, don’t be mean to Princess.”  
   
“Princess interrupted us,” Hisoka shot back.  
   
“If he gets hurt you’re going to get your ass destroyed,” Chrollo said.  
   
“I’m trying to get my ass destroyed right now, and if Phinks moves this slowly I think I might make it out alive.”  
   
“Don’t be so dramatic, Hisoka. It’s just a cat.”

“That is a demon, and it is trying to kill me.”  
   
Princess jumped on the bed again and made a beeline for Hisoka, purring all the while. Hisoka recoiled, vividly remembering the last time he was naked and Princess made a sudden appearance.  
   
“Hisoka...are you afraid of Princess?” Chrollo asked, a laugh in his voice.  
   
“What? Of course not,” Hisoka scoffed. “I’m not afraid of anything.”  
   
Chrollo picked up Princess and tried to plop her down in Hisoka’s lap and the magician scrambled off the bed. Hisoka bent down to grab his clothes in a weak attempt to play it off.  
   
“If you don’t want to have sex, I’ll go do something else,” Hisoka said.  
   
“If you say so,” Chrollo said. He didn’t sound convinced, but Hisoka wasn’t going to stay any longer and risk his fear being found out. His ears were tinged with red when he left Chrollo’s room.  
   
***  
   
It only took three days, but Phinks finally arrived.  
   
Hisoka almost cried real Jesus tears when he heard. His hell was finally over, he didn’t have to suffer any longer.  
   
“Where’s Princess?” Phinks said the second he stepped into the resort lobby, cat carriers in hand. “Where’s my baby boy?”  
   
Hisoka practically threw the cat at Phinks. Phinks was all too eager to get Princess away from Hisoka as well, and he kissed its gross, wrinkled forehead once he was in his arms.  
   
“I swear to god if there’s a single scratch on him,” Phinks said as he looked the bambino over.  
   
Hisoka had more casualties than the cat, but he wasn’t going to say that. He was finally free. Chrollo could go fuck himself if he ever volunteered Hisoka to watch that demon again.  
   
“Where were you?” Hisoka asked. “Why did you leave the cat with me, of all people?”  
   
Phinks glared at Hisoka, gently setting Princess down.  
   
“My usual place closed down, and I wasn’t going to leave him home alone,” Phinks looked down at Princess, eyes soft in a way Hisoka had never seen. “I love my baby too much for that.”  
   
Hisoka didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing.  
   
“I got you a present, Princess,” Phinks said. “That’s why Daddy was gone for so long.”  
   
The enhancer bent down to open one of the cat carriers he brought with him and Hisoka was going to lose his mind if he was delegated to cat sitting just so Phinks could get Princess a new carrier.  
   
It was worse than that, actually.  
   
When Phinks opened the carrier, another equally hairless and grotesque cat stepped out, though its legs weren’t short and stumpy like Princess’. Hisoka couldn't even find the humor in Phinks calling himself Daddy because of the abject horror shooting down his spine and the cold sweat beading on his neck.  
   
“This is your new sister, Bast! I had to travel to another continent to pick her up.”  
   
The two cats sniffed at each other and Hisoka was sure he felt his soul leave his body. Now there were two. Two whole sentient testicles smelling each other and lashing their thin tails around.  
   
If there was a god, they were laughing at Hisoka right now.  
   
Hisoka was closer to crying than laughing.  
   
He'd sooner kill the troupe before watching these disgusting beasts again.


End file.
